It was evening and you were gathered together with the other disciples in a small room for Passover. All the time you were watching Jesus while he sat quietly in the shadows listening to the idle chatter, watching the disciple’s gestures and from time to time telling illusive stories about strange lands.

As the night progressed bread and wine was brought to the table. It was only then that Jesus sat forward so that the shadows no longer covered his face. He slowly brought the conversation to an end by capturing each one with his intense gaze, a look that never failed to draw you in. His deep-set eyes always looked as if they held a secret, sometimes they betrayed a deep impenetrable joy, at others it was as if they belonged to one who had witnessed the end of the world while everyone else continued as if nothing had happened.
After a moment he began to speak,
‘My friends take this bread for it is my body, broken for you’

Every eye was fixed on the bread that lay on the table. While these words struck everyone as obscure and unintelligible you immediately picked up on their gravity.
Then Jesus poured wine into each cup, right to the brim.
‘Take this wine and drink of it for it is my very blood, shed for you’

Silence. Nothing made sense but an ominous shadow had descended, a spectre that made everyone shudder uneasily and which caused Jesus to silently cry. After a few moments he continued,
‘As you do this, remember me’

Most of those gathered waited for a short time before eating the bread and drinking the wine, all the while lost in their lonely thoughts. You however waited even longer than the others for you could not bring yourself to lift your hand at all. His words had cut into your soul like a dagger.

Jesus, of course, noticed your hesitation and approached, he lifted your head with his hand so that your eyes were level with his. Your eyes met for only a moment but before you could turn away you were caught up in a terrifying revelation. At that instant you experienced the loneliness, the pain and the sorrow that Jesus was carrying. You saw nails being driven through bone, you heard crowds jeering and the cries of pain as iron cut against flesh. At that moment you tasted the sweat that ran from Jesus like blood, and experienced the suffocation, madness and pain that would slowly envelop his being. More than all of this however, you experienced a trace of the separation he would feel.

In that little room, that occupied no significant space in the universe, you had caught a glimpse of something that you were never meant to have seen. Yet it was unavoidable for these images were etched into the eyes of Christ. Surely anyone who really looked, anyone brave enough to glance into his eyes, could not miss these imprints.

You turned to leave, to run from and never look back, you longed for death to wrap around you. But Jesus griped you with his gaze and smiled compassionately. Then he held you tight in his arms like no one had ever held you before. He understood that the weight you carried was so great it would have been better if you had never been born. After what felt like an eternity, he released his embrace, lifted the wine that sat before you, and whispered,
‘Take this wine my beloved and drink it up, for it is my very blood and it is shed for you’

All this made you feel desperately uncomfortable, you shifted in your chair and fumbled in your pocket. All the time distracted by the silver that weighed heavy in your pouch.